You can never say or do the wrong thing with the right one
I think as a woman in her late 20’s, I can attest that dating is a battlefield. It’s confusing, at times upsetting and more often than not, very disappointing. I’ve spent the last 12 years learning from some of the most disheartening dating experiences. I’ve felt like giving up and giving into every false belief I had formed around men but God is doing a new thing. He’s opened me up to some beautiful experiences in dating and I wanted to share with you a word of hope because your person is out there, and he or she is praying for someone just like you.
After each relationship failed, it left behind a lot of doubt and old trauma wounds resurfaced. I cried out to God, “How on earth are you going to find me someone that matches my personality, loves me unconditionally and will ultimately be my best friend”
Not only were these dates bringing up things I had to heal within myself but there is a lot of societal pressure for women to be settled down with a baby, family and home long before they reach their 30’s. Time was ticking for me and I fretted the idea of being 30 and single.
I didn’t want to force a connection but I didn’t want to give up that easily. So I took a new approach to dating. I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve and I took these dates as practice. Practice being my authentic self and seeing how someone responds. Practice to see how different connections formed and whether there was even a connection at all. I stopped taking it so seriously and began my little experimentation going on several dates with men who were and weren’t ‘my type’. It was pretty evident after the first or second date whether I wanted to catch up with them again.
There was a few things that I picked up on that we’re a non negotiable for me. This is not a rulebook but a good list to refer back to if you’re experimenting with a new connection:
Identify how you feel in your body with the person. Do you feel safe? Can you hold your gaze and look into their eyes when you talk?
When you talk about things that are important to you, notice how they respond. Do they hold space? Do they show empathy? Or do they shut down?
This one is a new discovery for me, and one of the most important factors… Can you laugh together? Do you share a similar sense of humour where you can be your complete goofy self?
How often do they ask you questions? Do they show interest in getting to know and understand you on a deep level?
What kind of things do you discuss? Is it surface level conversation or do they discuss hopes and dreams, future investments, vulnerabilities and flaws, family and friends?
Do you have to dull yourself down in any way? Is there any shame around things you do in your personal life that you wouldn’t share with them?
Identifying these key points has given me so much perspective on who my person is and who he is not. These are the bare minimum, not high expectations - everyone deserves this.
If you’re serious about finding your person the biggest advice I can give you is - keeping practicing. Keep putting yourself out there and if one date fails, don’t let it dishearten you. Stay hopeful and keep your standards high. I also want to reaffirm something very cliche - the moment you start focusing on your life and embodying confidence, creativity and humbleness - God starts to prepare you and your person to come together and compliment one another (not complete).
I’m happy to report that after spending years being misused and abused, i’m having some positive experiences with men and starting to feel safe in there presence again. I have full faith that I will find the person i’ve been praying for.
And lastly, one thing I tell myself every time it doesn’t work out - “You can never say or do the wrong thing with the right one”
Keep the faith, be courageous and meet new people. Your person could be right around the corner.